*Sucking Up Already??

Chef W. handed me a book across the desk. He said, “I never do this. This is a first.” I looked at the title and tried not to drool in front of him. It was The

Flavor Bible by Page and Dornenburg. He explained that in the classroom, a different text is used, but he preferred this one and I was to read as much as I

could in the three weeks before school, especially the first two chapters. I was trying to look humble. I was trying not to snatch it off the desk like a dog

absconding with a standing rib roast. I shook his hand in thanks and vowed to devour the pages.

I must have looked totally pathetic, clutching the textbook inside my jacket, shielding the top of the pages with my scarf as I made my way back to the train

station in the rain. What kind of grown woman, in this day and age, clutches ANYTHING to her bosom anymore? Its either a testament to the power of

finally finding a purpose in life, or a confirming statement of my being a complete geek. Being Portland, I nary gave one shit  how I looked and started to

skim the text on my short ride back home.

Rarely do things in print make me blush. Not much inspires me or makes me have stirrings for stirring other than a good cookbook, but this was different. I

opened the preface. Right there on the page, staring me down and arousing me like the Swedish Hockey Team stripping down was this quote:

“You have to love either what you are going to eat, or the person you are cooking for. Then you have to give yourself up to cooking. Cuisine is an act of

love.”- Alain Chapel, chef (1937-1990)

I’ve tried to be “good”. Not always hit the mark, but I’ve tried to do the right thing by the mainstream but still try to hold on to some of my identity. I’ve pissed

lots of people off in 40 years, but face it- I’ve never gone so completely counterculture that I was unrecognizable to my own family. Granted, it takes them a

few hours at a gathering until someone actually remembers that I am one of them, but basically I did not stray too far from the fold. I did it our of fear of

losing my family completely. I did it out of respect for my father who would be destroyed by me turning my back on conventional life in the workforce. I did it,

once again, because that was what I thought was expected of me.

Reading that quote, chatting with chefs, reading forum notes from new acquaintances and taking classes casually, I have been slowly exposed myself to

other people who feel as I do about food and cooking. In my first consumer class, I heard the chef speak so passionately, yet rationally, about food that I

was actually surprised at his brashness. I’d never heard another person speak so publicly and so easily about something that moved them as much as

food. I’ve done a poor job of concealing my own passion for food and cooking, but I’ve primarily kept a lid on it in mixed company. I suppressed it a good

deal, ignored it, been embarrassed by admitting that it moves me so. I know what it feels like to have a side of myself kept in a closet.

Finally surrounding myself with others of like mind is still rather unnerving to me. I am unaccustomed to it. I’ve never been in a group of ANYTHING in my

life, even as a medical professional I never fit in completely with the “lifers” who surrender themselves completely and make their work their lifes focus. I

think I finally have found that.